Reflecting

I have had a lot on my mind lately and I am finally at a stopping point to reflect on some of what I have been throwing around in my head.  I want to lose weight.  I really do.  I have all the tools....healthy food, access to a pretty decent gym, outside support.  So why do I not just dig in and get it over with?  Am I afraid of failure....again? Yes.  Am I not good at setting priorities? Yes.  Am I weak?  Yes. 

I love food.

I am not sure when I went from a very healthy, conscious eater to one who eats just to eat.  No matter the emotions....positive or negative.  But unlike any other addict, I can't just give up food.  My livelihood depends on it.  I grew up on a farm where we grew pretty much every vegetable native to our region, and ate fresh veggies and fruits all year long.  I love fruits and veggies...aside from a very select few, I love them all.  My family hunted, so we also ate deer meat along with the usual chicken and beef and fish/seafood.  I was taught to clean my plate, as well as to "try" everything that was cooked whether I thought I liked it or not.  Because of this, there are few foods that I absolutely refuse to eat or try.

When I went off to college, of course, food choices changed just a wee bit. As a child, my parents provided us with fairly healthy meals for our main meals and we rarely had "junk food" even in the house. We always ate breakfast, I took my lunch to school, and supper was usually pretty balanced ,and we alwayas ate together at the table. But, once I got to college, I somehow blocked out the healthy eating lifestyle I knew and began making those not-so-good-eating choices that left me carrying a few extra pounds by the end of my freshman year. In high school, I danced on a competitive dance team, which kept me in fabulous shape, but once I got to college, I slowed down drastically, and all of a sudden, the discipline I had known somehow had dissappeared.  I was working in the athletic training department keeping crazy hours with the various teams, and eating when I could....on top of my studies.

Then there was the boy.  The love of my life.  When you are in love you do all kinds of crazy things, and things to you know better than to do, you do anyway.  I got pregnant.  We got married.  I gained weight.  I had baby. Weight stayed.  We were young, married, and with a baby, and still in school.  Thus began my journey of the million yo-yo diets.

After college, we moved eight hours away from everything we knew to try and make a life for ourselves.  I knew no one.  My husband traveled, and I was stuck in a town by myself most of the time with a toddler.  Neeless to say, my eating habits did not improve.

Fast forward to the present.  Here I am.  32 years old.  Married and 3 children that I adore with everything that I have in me.  I am still 196lbs.  I am fighting it everyday.  I am losing everyday.  Why?  Because I have no willpower.  I start off the day with the greatest of intentions, and by 10am have shot them out the door.

So, I am searching for all the right answers.  I have been to the doctor, thinking something really is wrong with me and that he can give me the magical advice to get me going.  But, all of my bloodwork is normal.  Which to me says....it is all in my head.  I am sabotaging myself.  I am my own worst enemy.  body, mind, and spirit.  I came across a blog that had some strategies to keep myself in check with my eating habits, and so I am going to "borrow" the main point so that I can reflect on what they mean to me.

Permission to Feel
I keep my feeling bottled up.  I am not very good at showing emotion.  I am working on it every day.  I am a happy person, for the most part, but there is, deep inside me, a lot of welled up negativity that I wish I could release.  One day I will.  I am working on that.

Staying in Touch With My Emotional State
I am going to try and be aware of the emotions that trigger me to eat, as well as what I am eating.

Make Taking Care of Myself a Priority
This means taking care of me.  I cant be the best mom/wife/friend/teacher/etc if I am not healthy.  And that means getting enough sleep, eating healthy, exercising regularly, and keeping my emotions and stress levels in check

Forgive, Assess, & Learn from Slips
I am human.  I am going to fail.  I need to forgive myself, forget it, learn soemthing from it and move forward.
When Triggered Reach Out
I really have a big problem with this one.  Asking for help.  I am very independent.  I am not good at admitting my weaknesses and asking for help to get through a particularly rough patch.

So.  Here is my weight loss journey.  Hopefully I will find a whole new me along the way.  I am going to try and blog at least a couple times a week.  I wish I could be like these super bloggers who blog every day, but that is just not reasonable for me.  So, I will do what I can, when I can.  And that will have to be good enough.

~LA